# I Read My Subscribers' Fantasy Novels…67% Would Get Rejected ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected.webp]] **Creator:** Alyssa Matesic · **Published:** 2026-06-10 · **Length:** 17:38 · [Watch on YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM) > Caption source: YouTube **English captions** (`en-orig`, auto-generated), downloaded with **yt-dlp** (android_vr client) on the first attempt; they cover the whole video (0:00-17:38). No TubeAlfred or youtube-transcript-api credits were used. Section headings use the **creator's chapter timestamps**. Names and invented terms are corrected from the manuscript pages shown on screen: the dragons are **Daeva**, **Salem**, **Asani** and **Pepo**; the rival fighter is **Pussycat Slayer** (the captions say "Cat Slayer"); the protagonist of manuscript 2 is **Anne Stan**; and in manuscript 3 the official is **Ms. Riden** (captions: "Brighton" and "Ryden"), the partnership terms are ***visus*** and ***aegis*** (captions: "vices" and "egis"), and the school is **West Nigh College** (captions: "West Nike"). The manuscripts' authors are not named in the video. Screenshots are from the downloaded video stream and favour the manuscript pages she reads from. ## Outline ### 0:00 Intro - [0:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=0s) Three subscribers sent the opening pages of their **fantasy novels**. She ranks them from the one that needs the most work to the one closest to **query-ready**, judging them the way she reviewed queries at "a top **literary agency**": as if the pages had landed cold in her inbox and she had a few minutes to decide whether to keep reading. - [0:25](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=25s) Viewers like seeing real manuscripts in this critique series, so this episode shows what different **stages of readiness** look like. These are her personal opinions, and all three stories have potential. ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0005.webp]] ### 0:53 Manuscript 1: Needs work (dark epic fantasy) - [0:54](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=54s) She reads the opening of "Chapter 1: Dragons": a first-person narrator wakes inside an egg ("Where am I? What am I?"), cracks out with a claw, and is licked and greeted by **Daeva** ("Hello, my little Asani") and her father **Salem**; a smaller green dragon, **Pepo**, wants to eat the new sibling, and Salem scolds him ("We do not eat other dragons"). Then a header: "50 years later." - [2:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=137s) **What works:** a **disoriented first-person narrator** opening with questions and hazy sensations is a legitimate approach that sets up **tension and mystery** on page one. - [2:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=165s) **Prose problems:** grammatical errors pull her out of the moment, and descriptive sentences stack up confusingly with **fragments** and **dangling modifiers**. "Reaching out, something hard is holding me in" technically says the hard thing is reaching out; "Trying to climb out, my entire world shifts and falls" says the world is climbing. - [3:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=215s) **Verb tense slips:** the passage is in present tense but drops into past ("I retracted my claw"; "...stuck to me, and I landed in it"), which is jarring. - [3:56](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=236s) **Formatting:** most of the text is one big paragraph that should be two or three. Worse, the dialogue is **formatted like a screenplay**, with the speaker's name, a colon, then the line. With no **choreography** she can't tell where Daeva, Salem and Pepo are, the narrator Asani gets a speaker header like everyone else, and once others talk we lose the narrator's perceptions and reactions entirely. And how would a newborn know everyone's names? - [5:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=314s) The "50 years later" header implies the scene is a **flashback** snippet, so it might work better as a **prologue** than as a time jump in the middle of chapter one, or might not be needed at all. - [5:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=329s) **Verdict:** needs significant work before querying, but there's an interesting setup and every problem is fixable in revision; filter the dialogue through the first-person narrator. ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0058.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0135.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0190.webp]] ### 6:01 Manuscript 2: Has potential (adult fantasy) - [6:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=362s) "Chapter 1: Anne Stan" opens with broadcasters at **The Godhood Games** ("one-on-one combat, weapons allowed, a knockout's all you need, and killing is frowned upon") in a coliseum booth. Rookie **Anne Stan**, 18, walks out nervously to face the higher-ranked crowd-pleaser **Pussycat Slayer**, a shirtless blond swordsman whose female fans chant "Slay me!" Anne, who assumed his gimmick was killing cats, realises what the name really means and falls to her knees: "I never realized men were so disgusting." - [7:58](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=478s) This is the stage most manuscripts are at: a lot going for it, a few noticeable mistakes. - [8:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=489s) **What works:** a **high-stakes opening** in an arena rather than a "boring, static, reflective scene", so there is **momentum** right away; and both **external and internal conflict** (the coming fight, and Anne's disgust at her opponent), which makes the scene feel layered. - [8:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=529s) **Problem 1: a disembodied opening.** The first line is detached broadcaster dialogue, and the first four paragraphs hover in the booth from a **bird's-eye perspective**, which creates distance. The author isn't deliberately writing **omniscient POV**: the POV "clicks into place" only at "This wasn't her first time on such a stage...", which is too late. Put us in Anne's head from the first line, observing the spectacle. POV problems are visible on page one even if later chapters fix them. - [10:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=606s) **Problem 2: internal thoughts formatted as speech.** Anne "talks to herself aloud" in quotation marks. In **close third person**, drop the quotes and weave thoughts into the narration; she reads a revised version ("She didn't get it. Wasn't his gimmick killing cats?..."). Reserve quotation marks for lines actually spoken. - [11:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=668s) **Verdict:** she was intrigued to see how the Godhood Games play out; if the author tightens the POV, it definitely has potential. - [11:16](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=676s) Plug: her team of **developmental editors** from the biggest publishing houses and top agencies; inquire through alyssamatesic.com. ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0363.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0420.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0500.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0560.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0640.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0690.webp]] ### 11:37 Manuscript 3: Query-ready (adult fantasy) - [11:38](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=698s) The one she was most excited about. "On the night of her expulsion, **Liv** glared at the empty seat beside her and wondered how suspicious it would look if tomorrow **Nico** turned up dead." Two months forced into partnership with "the human equivalent of barbed wire" (forging his homework, breaking up his fights) have brought Liv, and the school, to the limit. - [12:07](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=727s) At a hearing before a table of tweedy officials "like the back rank of a collegiate-themed chessboard", **Ms. Riden** asks where Nico is. Nico is Liv's ***visus***, which makes him her problem, though he went through four ***aegis*** before her and his last pairing's "drift" nearly killed someone. Riden, the college's **wicca liaison** (appointed, Liv suspects, by people who aren't witches), lists the charges: 12 missed lectures, three failed exams, vulgar language, a threat against a professor, and a fight with varsity athlete **Trevor Manning**. - [14:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=841s) **What works:** a palpable **voice** that drew her right in; meeting the protagonist in a moment of conflict; the barbed-wire line, which shows Liv's humour while characterising the relationship. - [14:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=863s) **World building done right:** two world-specific terms on page one, *visus* and *aegis*, neither unexplained nor buried under paragraphs of definition; just enough context to understand a forced partnership with a bad track record and feel grounded in the conflict. - [15:07](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=907s) **Small notes:** one more line on what it means for Riden to be a wicca liaison appointed by non-witches, to clarify the social and political dynamics between witches and non-witches; and Liv reflecting on **where she thinks Nico is** (blowing her off, in danger, sleeping in, with a girlfriend?), which would raise the tension and reveal more about their relationship. - [16:07](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=967s) **Verdict:** small notes on a strong opening. If these pages had landed in her inbox at the agency, she "would absolutely keep reading." ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0700.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0750.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t0840.webp]] ### 16:14 Wrap-up - [16:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=974s) Every manuscript had potential; once you know what agents look for in the **opening pages**, you can improve your odds in a competitive querying landscape. - [16:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=993s) Plug: pre-order ***The Modern Guide to Querying Literary Agents*** (ModernGuideToQuerying.com), with insights from "4 million real queries." - [16:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkaYGOfMOM&t=1012s) Thanks to the three authors for sharing their pages in front of a YouTube audience; next, a video on the most common first-page mistake across genres, using more subscriber examples. ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t1000.webp]] ![[images/Fantasy-Novels-67-Rejected-t1048.webp]] ## Key takeaways - A disoriented opening can work, but clean grammar, consistent tense and readable paragraphs matter from line one. - Novels are not screenplays: no speaker labels; choreograph dialogue and filter it through the POV character. - A big time jump early in chapter one may mean the opening scene is really a prologue, or unnecessary. - Open inside your POV character's head, not from a detached bird's-eye view; POV slips show on page one. - In close third person, weave thoughts into narration instead of putting them in quotation marks. - Strong voice, conflict on page one and "just enough" world building are what make an agent keep reading. ## Things mentioned ### Manuscripts critiqued (unpublished, authors not named) - **Manuscript 1**, dark epic fantasy, "Chapter 1: Dragons": characters Asani (narrator), Daeva, Salem, Pepo - **Manuscript 2**, adult fantasy, "Chapter 1: Anne Stan": The Godhood Games, Anne Stan, Pussycat Slayer - **Manuscript 3**, adult fantasy: Liv (Olivia), Nico, Ms. Riden, Trevor Manning, West Nigh College; *visus*, *aegis*, drift, wicca liaison ### Books and authors - ***The Modern Guide to Querying Literary Agents*** by **Alyssa Matesic**: her book, on pre-order at the time (ModernGuideToQuerying.com) ### Publishing industry - **Literary agencies** and **cold queries**, **query-ready** manuscripts, **developmental editors**, Big Five publishing houses ### Craft concepts - **Opening pages** and **momentum**; tension and mystery on page one; static, reflective openings to avoid - **Line-level issues**: **dangling modifiers**, sentence fragments, **verb tense** consistency, paragraphing - **Dialogue formatting** and **choreography**; screenplay-style speaker labels - **Prologues**, **flashbacks** and time jumps - **Point of view**: first person, **close third person**, **omniscient POV**, disembodied or bird's-eye openings - **Internal thoughts** vs spoken dialogue (quotation marks) - **External and internal conflict** - **Voice** and characterisation through humour - **World building**: introducing invented terms with just enough context ### Links from the description - Work with her on your story: https://www.alyssamatesic.com/inquire#inquire-2 - Free Story Self-Assessment: https://www.alyssamatesic.com/#freebie-form - Newsletter **Chapter Break**: https://www.chapter-break.com/ - Query letter review: https://www.queryacademy.com - Related videos: [7 Dialogue Mistakes That Make Your Story Unreadable](https://youtu.be/bWe2Y3KNx9o) · [No, You Probably Shouldn't Write Omniscient Narration. Here's Why.](https://youtu.be/NJGAYA7FgpM) · [My Subscribers Sent Me Their Manuscripts…They ALL Make This Mistake](https://youtu.be/AHZoqFud44U) - Socials: [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/alyssabookeditor/) · [X](https://x.com/alyssamatesic) · [TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@alyssamatesic) - Music credit: *Charlie Brown* by Smith The Mister (https://smiththemister.bandcamp.com) ## Biographies ### Alyssa Matesic Professional **book editor** and YouTube creator (channel **Alyssa Matesic**, about 197K subscribers when this note was made). Her description says she has more than a decade of publishing and editorial experience across **Big Five publishing houses and literary agencies**; in this video she says she reviewed queries at a top literary agency. She runs a team of developmental editors (alyssamatesic.com), offers a free story self-assessment and a query-letter review service (Query Academy), writes the newsletter **Chapter Break**, and wrote *The Modern Guide to Querying Literary Agents*. (Sources: this video and its description.) ### People mentioned - The three manuscript authors are anonymous subscribers; no other real people are discussed.